Wednesday, January 26, 2005

10 things women should know

So, I'm driving home from work, and some of you know that my 'commute' is about 75 miles, and thus I have plenty of time to think. And when I think, that's when I come up with stuff to help people out. See, people are stupid and need all the help they can get. I have found that the most stupid people alive are the ones trying to do the little mating know the one....the one where you pretend there are no bodily functions that occur within YOUR body (such as belching, farting, etc) just to impress the person of the opposite sex. Not letting the person of the opposite sex who you're trying to impress meet any of your dirtbag friends...ya'll know what I'm talking about.

So I came up with a shortcut for everyone. Let's just cut out much of the silliness and just come up with a list of things women should just KNOW before dating men. I came up with a good number of them, most of them horribly offensive, and so obviously I gotta post them.

1. If you want to cuddle after sex, buy a teddy bear.
2. Swallow. Don't start a race if you have no intention of finishing it.
3. You masturbate. We know it. When you do, just let us watch.
4. If you start to cry for any reason, and we're there, just leave. We don't want to see that, especially if we caused it.
5. If we drink to much and need to vomit, we don't need a babysitter to hold our hair. We've done it before, we'll do it again, we're experts by now.
6. If we cheat on you and you don't find out, it's not cheating.
7. When you follow rule #2, don't expect us to kiss you. Just not gonna happen. Deal with it.
8. If you wonder why your ass looks fat in those pants, it's because you have a fat ass.
9. If you expect us to dance, we expect you to fuck. Just the way it works.

I'm sure there are others that I've forgotten since yesterday, but as I work with a bunch of creative people, feel free to add some in the chatterbox or comments.

No comments: